Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Skinny Jeans

Gynecologists around the U.S. sent a collective "Thank You Note" today to the makers of the popular Skinny Jean.

..."We want to thank whomever is responsible for the comeback of the Skinny Jean. Thank you. No really, thank you." ...

Reports claim that since the revival of the world's skinniest jean cases of vulvodynia, vaginismus and overall crotch-itch have skyrocketed. Doors of ObGyns have been swinging off the hook with angry, skinny women all complaining of the same symptoms; vaginal burning, itching and swelling. They all walk in slowly, like an ostrich. An ostrich whose pants are too tight.

When asked about this growing epidemic one tiny Gyne said, "We don't usually say crotch." Then she covered her mouth with her skinny hand and giggled.

Another less tactful Gynecologist said, "Take a number. I mean, look, their vaginas are "talking back". Like when you feed sauce to an ulcer. They asked for it. I just feel sorry for their vulvas. Not really."

Not everyone is happy with the rise of the Skinny Jean, however.

When not asked, the ever so vocal Oprah Winfrey interjected, "We're sending the wrong message to white people, I mean, young girls and gay men." Then Oprah asked if her new spandex pantaloons made her butt look big. When everyone said, "Yes", she smirked and said, "Good!"

Darcy Evans of Philadelphia agrees. When asked to comment on how skinny jeans make her feel she finished chewing her cheese steak and replied, "Those is white girl pants." And then she muttered something that sounded like, "I don't trust your skinny smile". Her friend quickly remarked, "She's just bitter they don't come in her size." But Darcy just rolled her eyes and finished that cheese steak.

Somewhere in Arkansas, business owner Bob Smith complained that the "new Skinny Jean arrival here" is causing excessive tardiness in his office. He said it took one employee 45 minutes to walk her dog because she couldn't bend over to pick up her dog's feces, leading her to miss the morning sales chant. Then Bob hiccuped and his stomach poofed out revealing his own Skinny Jeans. He quickly sucked it back in and smiled. "The price of fashion", he said.

Skinny Jeans are making quite an impression in the world of fashion, but some would say Americans are becoming obsessed. At least one woman did. "This is getting out of hand. Americans are becoming obsessed with beauty and ignoring their vaginal health", said the hippyish woman wearing Lee Boot Cut jeans and a yellow cardigan.

Perhaps she's correct.

Just last week Gap Kids jumped on the bandwagon, making skinny baby jeans called, Skinny Baby. A skinny mom admitted to cutting back on breast milk in order to get her little girl in those Skinny Baby's. "It's a suburban thing, you wouldn't understand", is all she would say. Ya, you're right suburban mom, I probably wouldn't understand. I'm Italian. My Grandmothers served ham hocks for breakfast and if we skipped breakfast we ate breakfast twice for lunch. I haven't seen a skinny jean since I was 4. And they weren't mine. But I'm not bitter.

Speaking of dominant mothers, we asked a group of Greek protesters outside a newly opened Old Navy to explain their protest. The group leader grabbed my cheeks, slapped me and asked, "Have you ever seen a Greek in Skinny Jeans, I ask you? It's just not fair. There's nothing here for us." "Make 'em in a size 16!", shouted another. "Our self esteem has plummeted since the rise of those little pants", said a group of curvy protesters standing side to side. "My ankles are swollen", said a passerby. We all scratched our heads and looked around, and not surprisingly, none of us had ever seen a Greek or anyone from South America in such jeans. Hmm.

California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger just signed a Bill preventing anyone over 142 pounds from wearing Skinny Jeans. "The Bill serves to protect the State from future forest fires", he said right before he removed a chicken sandwich from his wife's mouth. That's awesome, Arnold, because we all know that incessant thigh rubbing from overweight foreigners is the cause of most forest fires.

Another downfall of wearing jeans that skinny is infertility. This leads us to wonder how Keith Urban and every other country musician has been able to father any children. It also makes us wonder where Nicole Kidman puts all those "babies" she's apparently had. I mean, seriously.

Despite the health risks associated with wearing Skinny Jeans, Americans will continue to do so, enduring all, until the inevitable comeback of MC Hammer's Balloon Pants. This makes Darcy Evans very happy because as she just texted to her friend, "Bitch, I'm hongry!"...

No comments:

Post a Comment